Naruto Uzumaki Vs The World
by hinatasgreatestfan
Summary: Naruto Uzumaki just met the girl of his dreams. It's just a shame her exes are trying to make it a nightmare. Inspired by Scott Pilgrim Vs The World. Humorous Character Death!
1. Naruto's Precious Present

Chapter 1

Not long ago, in the Hidden Village of Konohagakure in the Land of Fire, Naruto Uzumaki was dating a pink-haired chick. Naruto, Shikamaru, Temari, and "Honorable Kono" (real name Konohamaru) were sitting around a small table in Shikamaru's apartment. Konohamaru looked worried, Shikamaru looked bored, and Temari looked like the cat that just ate the bird.

"You're dating a pink-haired chick?" Temari asked. Naruto nodded, not sure what she was reiterating what he'd just said for. "She doesn't chew gum, does she?" Naruto looked at Temari, wondering what that was supposed to mean. He shrugged. "If she does, she better be careful not to fall asleep; no one would even be able to tell if it got in her hair."

Naruto glared at Temari as Shikamaru and Kono burst out laughing. No one said anything for a few moments, then Naruto told them, "Look, guys, don't make fun of her, all right? She's my girlfriend, and you're not going to change that, so don't mess with her."

Temari calmed down and nodded. "Fine, fine, we won't tease her. So, when do we get to meet her? I hope it's soon." Just as Temari said this, there was a knock at the door.

"That's for me," Naruto said, a shit-eating grin on his face. Getting up, he opened the door. Standing on the doorstep was Sakura Haruno, his girlfriend.

"Hey," Sakura said. Naruto smiled at her.

"Come on in," Naruto said. As Sakura was coming in, Shikamaru and Temari were moving across the room to their respective instruments. Shikamaru picked up his guitar, and Temari sat down at the drums. Konohamaru handed Naruto his bass, and the band was ready. Sakura sat down on a couch nearby to see what was up.

Temari lifted her drumsticks above her head and yelled out "WE ARE THE YELLOW FLASHERS! ONE TWO THREE FOUR!" She hit her sticks together on each word in the four-count; they started playing. The band was mediocre at best, and they all knew it. As a result, they tended to play louder than necessary to make up for their lack of real skill. Luckily, none of the neighbors seemed to mind.

Several minutes later, the band slowly stopped playing. Sakura, a stunned look on her face, finally looked at them all and squealed "OH MY GOD, YOU ARE AWESOME!"

Naruto, who had a decent ear for music, knew they were far from awesome. Hearing Sakura say that they were, to him, made him realize, in the back of his mind at least, he was dating a fangirl. Shikamaru didn't react at all to Sakura's comment, and Temari mimed shooting herself and fell onto her drums.

Naruto gave Temari a glare for her reaction to Sakura. The young couple then left as the other three decided to continue practicing, Kono filling in for Naruto.

"You guys seriously rock," Sakura said to Naruto, her eyes full of adoration. Naruto smiled, not really paying attention to Sakura. He knew this was going to happen. "I mean, really, you guys are all so damn good, I think you're the best I've ever heard."

Naruto smiled. "Well, I knew I was good, but I never even thought we were any good together, so thanks, Sakura." He was being extremely sarcastic. He knew they weren't that good. The sarcasm was totally lost on Sakura, who just smiled at him, her green eyes glinting with excitement.

The two walked toward Naruto's home. He stopped in front of a door set into the ground a bit. "Well, here it is, my secret lair," he said. Sakura's eyes were glinting again.

"Can I come in?" she asked him. Naruto looked at her and seriously considered it, then remembered who _else_ was in there. He shook his head.

"Sorry, the secret lair is one of those no-girls-allowed zones," he said, thinking fast.

"Oh, okay," Sakura said, looking vastly disappointed; after all, she didn't have to be home for several hours yet, and she was more than a little curious what was hiding behind all that orange Naruto wore.

"Hey, you want to see the place I grew up?" Naruto asked, as a sort of consolation prize. Sakura looked up, her eyes glinting again.

"Sure!" she said. Naruto turned around and began walking. A few steps later, he stopped and made a gesture toward the place across the road. Sakura stared at the Ichiraku Ramen Stand (the place across the road) as if she were dying of thirst and it was an oasis. "Wow..." she moaned out.

Naruto closed his eyes and suddenly found himself in the middle of a desert. "I'm so...alone," he said, sinking to his knees.

As he was saying this, a girl with long midnight-blue hair came rushing by him on a pair of roller skates. "You're not alone," she said. "You're never alone."

Naruto sat up. Somehow he was in bed. "What the hell was that?" he muttered to himself. Another young man with brown hair and eyes sat up next to Naruto.

"What was what, Naruto?" he asked. Naruto almost panicked until he realized it was just his gay roommate, Kankuro.

"Oh, nothing," he said. "Just a dream." Naruto got up.

"Dreaming of Sakura again?" he asked. Naruto had told Kankuro about Sakura the day they started dating. Naruto shook his head.

"No, some girl I've never met, I don't know who the hell she was. That was weird, but...I think...she's...the girl of my dreams," Naruto muttered mostly to himself, but he knew Kankuro heard him. He got up and threw on his usual orange clothes. He turned to Kankuro. "Hey, don't tell my sister, all right?"

Kankuro, pulling out his phone, said, "You know me."

Seconds later, the phone rang. Naruto answered. "You're thinking of cheating on Sakura?" the voice of Naruto's sister, Ayame, asked from the other end of the line.

"Not even, who told you? Besides, it was just a dream." Naruto asked, realizing that if he could find this chick, he probably _would_ cheat on Sakura with her, given the chance.

"Kankuro, duh," Ayame answered.

Naruto groaned. "That gossipy bitch," he said, half to himself, half to Ayame.

"You know me," Kankuro said on the line in the other room.

"Dude, private phone call!" Naruto snapped before Kankuro hung up his phone.

"Anyway, you of all people should know how much it sucks to get cheated on," Ayame said, her voice annoyed but also caring.

"Yeah, okay," Naruto said. "I'll take care of it." Naruto had no intention of doing anything at that point. After all, what kind of girl would have midnight-blue hair and those eyes he'd only half-noticed in his dream?

"Earth to Naruto!" Shikamaru drawled. "You only played one note that entire song. And people call me lazy."

"My, uh, hand seal exercises last night gave me a cramp." Naruto knew his excuse was lame. Shikamaru and Temari knew Naruto's excuse was lame. In fact, everyone but Sakura knew the excuse was lame.

"Distracted by your girlfriend?" Temari chided.

Honorable Kono looked up in confusion. "How could you not be distracted by the forehead?"

**"What did you say?"** Sakura roared at the youngest 'The Yellow Flashers' semi-member.

"Heel girl!" Naruto barked out a command. Sakura shrank into herself and mumbled an apology.

"Let's get this troublesome song out of the way." Shikamaru sighed as he shifted his guitar in his lap.

Naruto was shocked out of his reverie about the girl from his dream. "I'm sorry, what were we doing again?"

"Tch. I told you, we're going to Ino's party. Gah, you've been zoning in and out all day. That dream girl has really made you more troublesome than usual." Shikamaru complained.

Naruto groaned. "This is going to suck so bad!" Moments later, Naruto realized they were at the party. Within minutes, Naruto and Honorable Kono were standing alone. "This sucks!" Naruto moaned. "I'm going to go hit on Temari due to boredom."

Naruto wandered off, looking for his band's drummer, but couldn't find her for the life of him. He noticed he couldn't find Shikamaru, either, but he shrugged that off as insignificant. Suddenly, he looked up and there, mere feet from him, was the perfect man to help him with his other problem, the girl from his dream. Kakashi!

"Hey, Kakashi, you know everyone, right?" he asked.

Kakashi eye-smiled at him, his covered eye and his mask lending him the usual mystique, "Yeah, pretty much, why?"

Naruto performed a rough transformation. The only accurate and non-generic feature was the hair of the girl he'd seen. "You know a girl with hair like this?" he asked.

Kakashi looked at it for half a second. "Yeah, that's Hinata Hyuga, why, you got a new crush, Naruto?"

Naruto dispelled the transformation, blushed and then shook his head, "Wait, she's real? I thought I just dreamed her up."

"Yeah, she's real," Kakashi confirmed. "In fact, I heard she was going to be here tonight. You got the hots-" Kakashi stopped as he realized Naruto had disappeared.

Now Naruto was a man on a mission. He would look at every single person here until he either found this girl or was sure that she wasn't real. He kept looking for several minutes, becoming more and more sure she wasn't real and was just a figment of his imagination, but then...he saw her!

She was standing against a wall across the room from him, her midnight-blue hair falling down to her shoulders, her bangs framing her face in what Naruto thought was a very cute way. Her eyes...those eyes he'd only half-seen in the dream, were lavender-tinged pearls. She was so much more beautiful than he'd ever thought she could be.

Naruto moved toward her as if in a trance. Hinata, as he now knew her name to be, didn't seem to notice him. Naruto was almost close enough to try to talk to her; he never noticed that the cup in his hand was now crushed.

Naruto laughed ruefully at himself. "Just a dream...famous last words," he muttered to himself.

**Solvdrage's Author's Note: **Yes, this is what you think it is. I'd like to thank HGF for letting me latch onto this idea. We've got some crazy stuff planned. We hope you enjoy the wild ride to come!

**HGF's Note: **Hope you guys enjoyed this rather short start. More will come, and probably very soon. I'm still massively blocked on Honest Curse, and this will probably be the only thing I really get done for a while. Look forward to more, and hope you all enjoy it as the insanity ramps up!


	2. Naruto's Pilgrimage Begins

Chapter 2

Naruto did not often use Shikamaru's favorite phrase, but right now 'troublesome' fit. He had no idea how to approach Hinata.

_Oh well, direct approach it is,_ Naruto thought to himself. He walked over to where Hinata was standing against the wall. "Hi."

Naruto's sudden appearance caused Hinata to jump a bit. "Hi."

"Is this a dream?" Naruto asked out of the blue.

"I'm sorry?" Hinata looked at Naruto as if he had grown a second head.

"Is this a dream? I mean, I'm seriously doubting that I'm awake. First, you're _way_ too hot to be real, and every time I dream of you, you keep getting hotter. Second, Ino's parties have never been this boring. Usually, Sai has said something offensive and started a fight by now."

Hinata giggled a bit and Naruto felt his legs gain the consistency of cooked ramen noodles. "Are you hitting on me?"

"Maybe a little." Naruto shrugged. "But I'm still wondering if this is a dream or not."

"Oh, this is real," Hinata said with a blush. "But I just ended a relationship and I don't think I'm ready for another yet."

"Really, you're single?" Naruto felt like he just got a bro-fist from God.

"Yes," Hinata answered a bit uneasily. "I have to go. What's your name?"

"Naruto Uzumaki." _"Damn it! You can't leave yet!"_

"It was a pleasure meeting you, Naruto Uzumaki. You were unintentionally charming," Hinata said with a smile before walking away.

She had barely left the room before Naruto was standing in front of Honorable Kono, who happened to be on the complete opposite side of the house. "Dude!"

"What?" Honorable Kono jumped.

"That girl! She's real, as in, she exists!" Naruto shook his younger friend violently in his excitement.

"What?" Honorable Kono tried to breathe in-between shakes.

"I think Hinata's the one! Is she the one?" Naruto asked in a frenzy.

Honorable Kono swayed in his dizziness. "Concentrate and ask again."

Naruto shrugged and shook Kono a bit more. "Better not tell you now."

"Magic Honorable Kono, you have let me down," Naruto grunted before dropping the younger teen.

"Kakashi! Tell me everything you know about Hinata Hyuga!" the blond asked over the thump of Honorable Kono hitting the ground in the other room.

"All I know is she just moved here from the Stone Village and works at Asuma's delivery company," Kakashi replied lazily as he flipped through his favorite book.

"A Stone Ninja?" Naruto asked in a far off tone. _"She's so exotic."_

Kakashi nodded. "Go ask Shion and Matsuri, they know a bit more than I do. Oh, and wipe the drool off your chin."

"Semi-girls, tell me about Hinata Hyuga." Naruto used a Body Replacement technique to switch places with some random guy hitting on Shion.

"I hear she just ditched some guy in the Stone Village," Shion muttered, tapping at her chin.

"Oh yeah, she did. That was some kind of big scandal or something," Matsuri added.

Naruto shrugged. Hinata herself had basically told him that. "Hey, Shion, you can see the future, right?"

"Yeah. It'll cost you," Shion smirked. Naruto fished around in his pockets and pulled out nine ryo.

"Is this enough to see if I get together with Hinata?" Naruto asked hopefully.

"Not on your life," Shion snapped. Naruto cursed and rushed over to Ami.

"Ami! Do you know anything about Hinata Hyuga?" Naruto demanded.

"Only that her Gentle Fist could kick your ass," Ami glared at Naruto.

"She can kick my ass? That's so hot," Naruto murmured as he ran over to Sai.

"There is no way she would like you. Hinata only likes guys with dicks." The painter flashed a false smile.

"&$# you, Sai!" Naruto snapped but was immediately confused as a black bar appeared over his mouth and the curse came out as white noise. "What the &$# was that?"

"My job, dickless. I work for Danzo and censor foul language," Sai smirked. Naruto was censored again telling Sai his opinion of the pale moron's art. He stormed off and found Sari refilling her drink.

"Everyone knows what you're asking about, Naruto. Hinata's from a rich powerful family and men line up to beg her father to let them date her," Sari said idly.

"Word travels fast," Naruto spoke in an impressed tone. "There must be an Ino-powered gossip field around."

Naruto decided to pick someone random out of the crowd to test his theory. He walked up to Yakku, a friend of Matsuri's, and pulled him aside. "What am I about to ask you?"

"Hinata Hyuga's got some baggage, dude," Yakku nodded.

"Holy crap, Ino's presence does triple the speed gossip spreads!" Naruto exclaimed, then whistled in awe.

"What are you doing?" Ino didn't _quite_ shriek. "Why are you asking everyone about Hinata Hyuga?"

Naruto's eyes went wide. "You know about Hinata? Tell me now."

"She just moved here and got a delivery job. Hinata stops by the flower shop once in a while," Ino gleefully spread the latest gossip.

"I know about the move. But the flower shop?" Naruto was practically begging for more information. A few seconds later, Chouji, Ino's boyfriend, arrived and threw his arm around Ino's shoulder.

"Hey babe." Chouji smiled as Ino rested her head on his shoulder. "Didn't that Hinata just break up with somebody?"

"How 'just'?" Naruto's eyes went wide.

"Hasn't been that long. I heard she bailed on him or whatever. Must have been a shitty relationship or whatever?"

"Really?"

Ino groaned. "Yes, but I didn't want _Naruto_ of all people to know that! The girl needs a bit of space!"

"I don't know what it is about her. I've got it bad." Naruto was talking more to himself than Ino and Chouji.

"Naruto! You cannot scare off the coolest girl at my party! I know you haven't had a real girlfriend in a year, but..." Ino started to rant. Suddenly the lights died, and a dozen people yelled at Sai. Naruto made a dismissive noise and started to counter Ino's accusation.

"Whoa, babe, Naruto's dating some pink-haired chick. I think he's finally moved on." Chouji stepped in to stop the brewing 'Battle of the Blonds'.

"A Pink-haired chick? That isn't moving on! That's... I can't even think of a word to describe how pathetic that is!" Ino ranted.

"Sai?" Naruto and Chouji said at the same time. Naruto was completely unaware that he was indirectly admitting dating Sakura was pathetic. All of his available brainpower was focusing on Hinata.

Ino thought about it for a moment before nodding. "Good point."

After a few minutes of failing to get any more information on the girl of his dreams, Naruto decided to go home to sleep. The party had sucked, except for the short time Naruto had spent with Hinata. So, he decided to go home and dream about Hinata.

"Guess who's toasted!" Kankuro shouted as he barged into the room. Naruto groaned when Kankuro turned on the lights _and _whipped Naruto in the head with a combination of house keys and chakra strings.

"It's everyone's favorite gay puppeteer," Naruto mumbled into his pillow.

"Damn right it is," Kankuro boasted proudly as he collapsed onto the bed he and Naruto shared.

"You know that girl from my dream?" Naruto recited happily.

"Yeah, but I'm going to pretend she's a guy," Kankuro answered sleepily.

Naruto rolled over and smiled at the ceiling. "So, I thought she was just a dream... And at Ino's party, there she was!"

"Hey, there he was." Kankuro was manipulating, only half consciously, one of his puppets to turn out the lights.

Naruto took a deep breath as the lights turned off. "I know that Hinata's the girl of my dreams."

"Then you should break up with your pink-haired fake girlfriend," Kankuro said.

"I mean, I haven't been this sure about something since I decided ramen was the greatest food ever." Naruto grinned as he spoke.

"Then you should break up with your pink-haired fake girlfriend," Kankuro repeated.

Naruto sighed. "Yeah..." Suddenly the phone rang. "Hello?"

"I can't believe you're going to juggle two chicks!" Ayame screamed on the line.

"What? I'm not going to juggle two chicks!" Naruto defended himself. "How do you even know about this anyway?"

Ayame groaned. "Kankuro, duh!"

"But, he's not even conscious. Hell, he's not even the one texting! It's freaking Crow!" Naruto shouted in disbelief.

"You of all people should know how much getting cheated on sucks!" Ayame said sternly.

"Ugh, I know!" Naruto groaned.

"Then you should break up with your fake pink-haired girlfriend!"

"I'm _going to_," Naruto whined.

"Really? Oh my god, I have to send a mass text about this! My baby brother is growing up!" Ayame hung up the phone. Naruto followed suit and stared in awe at Kankuro. The puppeteer was unconsciously controlling his puppet, Crow, who was sending text messages.

"How does he do that?" With that final thought, Naruto fell asleep.

The following day was when Naruto had told himself he would break up with Sakura...it was, after all, the right thing to do. He'd never really believed he loved Sakura...even in his mind, she was just a...placeholder of sorts. Naruto picked up the phone and dialed, dreading the sound of her voice.

"Hello?" Sakura said.

"Hey, Sakura, it's me," Naruto said, feeling lame. "Um, can we...talk?"

Sakura could tell from his voice something was up, but she didn't show it. "Yeah, sure, let's meet...over by the flower shop, okay?" Naruto agreed and the two hung up.

Ten minutes later, the two were wandering around Konoha, Sakura enjoying Naruto's proximity, Naruto staring off into space distractedly. "Oh, Naruto, I wanted to invite you over for dinner tonight," Sakura said out of the blue.

Naruto looked at her, a little worried. "You mean...to your house?" he asked. Sakura nodded. "Like...to meet your parents?" She nodded again. "Why would you want to do that?"

Sakura smiled. "I want you and my parents to meet, Naruto...because..." she trailed off. Naruto waited. "Because I'm...in love with you." The word "love" seemed to hang in the air between them like pink smoke. Naruto made a motion to wave it away.

"Um, Sakura...the thing is...I think we should break up..." he trailed off. Sakura was looking at him with a devastated look on her face. Then she did something Naruto never expected. She hit him! The two had been standing a short distance from Ichiraku's when Sakura hit Naruto, but an instant later, Naruto found himself embedded in the forehead of the carving of the Fourth Hokage's head. Naruto could only say one thing to that. "Ouch."

Naruto sat up and realized he was in his bed. "Ouch again."

Kankuro was sitting at the kitchen table. "Well, shit, I was hoping you'd die so I could get a new roommate."

"It's good to see you too, Kankuro." Naruto flashed a fake smile before bolting to the computer. He started frantically typing away. Kankuro sighed and shook his head.

"Did you do it?" The puppeteer asked.

"I just ordered something, so I'll see Hinata soon," Naruto said gleefully.

"You dumbass, that's not what I'm asking. Did you break up with Sakura?" Kankuro finished his question with an exasperated growl.

"Who do you think punched me into the Fourth Hokage's forehead?" Naruto responded to Kankuro's question with one of his own.

"Sakura took it poorly then. Remind me to keep her away from my brother. I don't think the world needs two violence-prone idiots getting together," Kankuro mumbled.

Naruto jumped from the computer to in front of the door. "Wow, I think that's the most you've ever talked about your brother. Heck, Temari never mentions him either," Naruto said in shock.

"Let's put it this way, any meeting _you_ would have with him would probably end in violence," Kankuro said idly.

"Yeah, that's nice. Waiting for Hinata." Naruto quickly dismissed Kankuro's concerns.

"Why would the 'girl of your dreams' even show up here? I know you aren't dating. And what are you even waiting for?" Kankuro asked in disbelief.

"She works at Asuma's delivery company and she'll be delivering the Toad Summoning Contract I ordered," Naruto stated simply.

"First, how can you be sure this Hinata will be the one to deliver your order? Second, **you can't just buy a Summoning Contract off the internet!"** Kankuro yelled. It was either raise his voice or have Crow beat Naruto to death. The second option was tempting, but Kankuro needed Naruto to pay his rent money next week. There was a knock at the door and Naruto shot to his feet.

"Time to prove you wrong!" Naruto shouted triumphantly. He swung open the door to greet Hinata.

Instead of the beautiful woman who dominated his dreams, there was a very large white dog sitting on Naruto's doorstep.

"Wow, you've surpassed me in creepiness," Kankuro laughed. The dog dropped a scroll it had been carrying in its mouth and ran off. Naruto grimaced at the drool-covered scroll. He picked it up gingerly and repeated 'ew' over and over again. Naruto opened the scroll and started to read.

At least, he attempted to read the scroll. "This handwriting is worse than mine! Kankuro, come here and help me with this!" Naruto ordered.

Kankuro was overtaken by a morbid curiosity and actually walked over. "I can't tell if this is challenging you to a fight to the death or a fight to the egg. I can't believe what I'm about to say, but..." Kankuro was shaking his head as he spoke.

"What?" Naruto asked in genuine curiosity.

"We've finally found someone whose kanji sucks worse than yours," Kankuro announced.

"I told you that a person with worse handwriting than me existed," Naruto smirked as he spoke. "I'm going to wash my hands. This is as gross as the time you forgot to use the signal."

"Whatever, I'm going to the store." Kankuro said in a huff. Naruto shrugged and went to wash his hands. Naruto hummed one of his favorite songs as he dried his hands. He thought it was a bit odd when the lights flickered. "We paid the power bill."

Naruto did a double take when he opened the door. The door didn't open to a small apartment. Instead, it opened into the Konoha Ninja Academy. There was a strange song with incomprehensible lyrics drifting through the halls. Naruto turned to the blackboard, but nothing was written there. He turned around and saw Hinata cross one door to another.

"Hinata!" Naruto called and bolted up the stairs to the top of the classroom. He practically erupted from the classroom and into the hall. Hinata was skating towards another door. It took Naruto a second to recognize the door on which Hinata was about to knock.

"Hinata!" Naruto shouted excitedly and sprinted to the front door. He was so excited that he failed to notice he was somehow back in his apartment. Naruto flung open the door. "Hey!"

"N-Naruto Uzumaki?" she asked, half remembering the guy she saw, half reading the name from her delivery log. Naruto grinned and nodded. Hinata held out the scroll and a small clipboard. "Sign here, please."

Naruto took it and was signing his name. "Hey, Hinata, I know this sounds really lame, but would you like to go out sometime?"

Hinata blushed. True, she had just gotten out of one bad relationship, but she still couldn't deny that she had one rather handsome young man in front of her. _"What the hell, why not?"_ she thought to herself. "Sure," she said.

Naruto grinned. He wanted to bounce off the walls yelling, but for now he settled for just grinning. "Sweet," he said. "Actually, my band is in this Battle of the Bands thing tomorrow, would you come to it?"

"You have a band?" Hinata asked, surprised.

"Yeah, we suck, but please come?" Naruto knew that sounded lame, but he didn't care.

"Okay," she said, then started to take off.

"Hey, can I get your number?" Naruto called out. Hinata stopped, came back, and handed Naruto a small slip of paper with her name, a number, and a line of seven x's on it. "Girl number," Naruto said to himself before going back into his apartment. He never stopped to think just what the line of x's might mean...

"I have to tell Shikamaru and Temari!" Naruto cut off his own thought with a shout and took off running.

Naruto practically kicked down Shikamaru and Temari's door in his excitement. "You guys aren't going to believe how awesome I am!"

Naruto's announcement was met with silence. He looked around and noticed Temari's door was shut and a Wii-mote was hanging from the doorknob. "Wow, they take their Wii Play rivalry seriously."

Naruto opened the cupboard and fixed some instant ramen. He was happily combining his two favorite things, eating ramen and thinking of Hinata, when Honorable Kono strolled in.

"Hey Naruto." Honorable Kono sat down next to Naruto at the counter.

"Today is officially the best day ever," Naruto said blissfully while he slurped down his ramen.

"Are you talking about your breakup with Sakura? I knew about that already from Ayame's mass text."

"No, that kind of sucked. Sakura didn't take it well and punched me through the Fourth's Head." Naruto shuddered as he recounted his ex-fake-girlfriend's inhuman strength.

"So, what made today awesome then?" Kono asked as he pilfered an apple.

"Not only did I _see_ Hinata today, which by itself is enough to make any day awesome, I got her number and she's coming to the Battle of the Bands," Naruto bragged.

"Nice," Honorable Kono said approvingly. "Have you told Shika and Temari yet?"

"I haven't had a chance. You know how intense their Wii Play matches can get," Naruto confessed with a sigh.

"Wii Play?" Honorable Kono squawked. He couldn't believe Naruto could be _that_ dense.

"Shadow Possession Complete." Shikamaru's voice filtered through the wall.

"Shikamaru, you cheating bastard!" Temari groaned.

"See, Honorable Kono, Wii Play." Naruto explained sagely.

Honorable Kono hit his head against the counter a few times. "They're playing all right."

The next few minutes were passed in silence, barring the occasional grunt or moan from the next room. Naruto laughed at 'the rivalry' and Konohamaru smacked his forehead against the counter a few more times. Shikamaru and Temari eventually emerged from the bedroom. Honorable Kono jumped off the stool and ran up to Temari.

"If they were playing Wii Play, how do you explain the bruises on Temari's neck?" Honorable Kono asked while pointing at his two disheveled friends.

"Wii Play is a full-contact sport, Honorable Kono. It doesn't help that Shikamaru loses control of his Wii-mote at the worst possible times." Naruto explained nonchalantly. Shikamaru pinched the bridge of his nose and Temari face-palmed.

"To prevent this situation from becoming even more of a drag, what are you doing here, Naruto?" Shikamaru would have asked in annoyance, but that would be too much trouble; therefore, he just said it in his normal lazy tone.

"To tell you the awesome news." Naruto bragged again.

"Please tell me you've learned to play more than one note." Temari pleaded with Naruto.

"_Even better_. The breakup was successful. Then, I got Hinata's number and she'll be showing up at the Battle of the Bands." Naruto crossed his arms and smiled triumphantly.

"Are you sure that the breakup with Sakura was successful?" Temari asked.

"We broke up! I swear! You know I'm the last guy who would juggle two chicks!" Naruto pleaded his innocence.

"Then why is she staring through my window?" Temari shot back.

Naruto looked to the window and jumped in shock. The bass player turned to his band-mates and nervously rubbed at the back of his head. "She's become a creepy stalker from the looks of it."

Honorable Kono grabbed the squirt bottle the band used to water their house plants. He walked to the window and opened it. "Bad stalker! Bad!"

Sakura scurried off. Honorable Kono rejoined the band at the counter. Naruto, completely unfazed by the recent turn of events, rubbed his hands together. "So, Battle of the Bands! I can't wait!"

Naruto must have zoned out again because the next thing he knew, they were arriving at the Battle of the Bands. He grinned as he looked around briefly and found Hinata waiting for them at the door. "Hey Hinata!" he called.

Hinata turned and smiled. "Hey, Naruto," she said. Then she noticed the writing on the outside of Naruto's guitar case. "The Yellow Flashers, huh?"

Naruto grinned sheepishly. "Yeah, we took the name from my dad's old nickname; he got it from this jutsu he created that let him move really fast and left a yellow flash behind."

Hinata looked worried about that, but didn't say anything. Naruto gave her a small smile and took off to meet with the other members of his band backstage. Hinata wandered up to the balcony and sat at a table, where Ayame was already sitting.

Ayame, seeing the girl sit down, smiled kindly. "So you're Hinata, huh?" she asked. Hinata turned toward the voice and nodded. "Naruto hasn't been able to shut up about you for days now, you know."

"Really?" Hinata asked. Considering she'd met the guy twice and agreed to come to this, _that_ was a bit of a surprise.

Ayame chuckled. "Yep, he's such a hopeless romantic. Ever since he dreamed of you, it's been 'Hinata this' and 'Hinata that'."

Hinata blushed. He _dreamed_ of her? Somehow, that thought made her feel...warm and fuzzy inside. Then Hinata heard something she thought she'd never hear again. A voice she knew all too well.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the _failure_ of the Hyuga Clan," the voice said. Hinata stiffened and turned toward it, her eyes hard, her lips drawn in a tight line. "And what are _you_ doing here?" asked Hinata's sister, Hanabi, the one who had spoken.

"I'm here to support my _boyfriend_," Hinata answered, emphasizing the last word for Hanabi's benefit.

Ayame, trying to break up the tension, said, "Hi, I'm Ayame, this is my boyfriend Kabuto, and Naruto's roommate Kankuro."

Hanabi picked up on the name of the one absent person. "Oh, Naruto, is that your boyfriend Hinata?"

Hinata glared at Hanabi. "Yes, it is, as a matter of fact. He's the bassist of the Yellow Flashers."

Hanabi snorted. "Figures, you would like a failure like him...since you're such a failure yourself."

Hanabi missed out on one small bit of information about Naruto. He had extremely good hearing. He kept out of the situation for now, but inside he was seething. NO ONE treated Hinata like that. He hadn't missed that she'd called him her boyfriend, either, and that very thought gave him a chill.

Moments later, Hanabi was called to stage for her own band's first song. Seeing her take her seat, Temari growled, "They have a girl drummer?"

"And now, we'll hear from the Flaming Crackers, visiting us all the way from the Village Hidden in the Mist!" said the announcer. The next sound anyone heard was Naruto cracking up laughing at the name of the band.

"I guess that means you're all gay, huh?" Kankuro yelled out. Hanabi flipped him off, an annoyed look on her face.

Naruto, seeing this, snarled, "Oh, that's IT!" He'd had enough of this girl's attitude. He ran forward, intending to slap her across the face. What he wasn't expecting, however, was for her band-mates, Udon and Mizura, to jump in front of her. His slap landed on the side of Udon's head, forcing him and Mizura to bang heads. The impact was so hard, the two boys burst...into coins! Naruto looked at them in surprise for a moment, then bent to pick up the coins. "Sweet, free cash," he said to himself.

Hinata, hearing him, called down, "Aren't you even a little upset that those used to be people?"

He looked up at her. "Nah, I'll just use them to take you out to dinner and never see the corpse-money again, so it's all good," he said, giving her a cheeky grin. Hinata sat back down, blushing furiously.

Naruto was turning to go back to help his band get ready when he heard it. "NARUTO UZUMAKI!" a voice yelled out. Naruto turned and saw a guy about his age flying at him. Instinctively, he put up an arm and blocked the punch aimed for him. He punched the guy across the face.

"REVERSAL!" a voice called out. Everyone looked at Honorable Kono like he had grown a second head. "What?" he asked, as if he hadn't said anything.

"Who are you?" Naruto asked the new arrival.

"I'm Kiba Inuzuka, and I'm Hinata's first evil ex-boyfriend!" the guy declared. Naruto just looked at him, a bewildered look on his face. "Didn't you get my letter, explaining the situation?"

"I got a letter...I guess that was it...I tried to read it, but I couldn't tell if you were challenging me to a fight to the death or a fight to the egg," Naruto said. "So I kind of ignored it."

Kiba glared at the blond. "YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS INSULT!" he screamed and rushed at Naruto.

**Solvdrage's Author's Note: **The Madness Continues. And yes, that is Kabuto/Ayame. And no, we haven't been drinking.

**HGF's Note: **To clarify, no, that pairing won't be permanent *shudders at the thought*. Come on back next time to see if this fruitcake is for real or not.

Kiba: Who's a fruitcake?

HGF: YOU!

Kiba: Why I oughta...

HGF (slaps Kiba): Shut up!

Kiba: But mommy, I don't want to go to school today! (falls unconscious)

HGF: Anyway, see you all next time!


	3. Naruto's Harem Solution

Chapter 3

Naruto, while somewhat baffled as to why this guy would show up and attack him out of the blue like this, wasn't going to just stand there and take it either. Kiba attacked hard and fast, Naruto blocking and dodging wildly, trying to make sure Kiba didn't score a direct hit. Kiba was only able to get through Naruto's guard once, which sent Naruto reeling into the crowd, but said crowd caught him and pushed him back onto his feet and back toward the feral-looking Kiba.

Naruto attacked this time, kicking, punching, flailing at Kiba with a vengeance. He wasn't sure what was going on, really, but he was sure of one thing: Kiba had pissed him off. And when Naruto got pissed off, people tended to get hurt. After a few more exchanges, Naruto managed to trap Kiba's hands and hold him in place. He looked up at Hinata. "You actually dated this guy?" Spotlights turned on and focused on Hinata. _"I guess that's what they mean by putting someone on the spot,"_ Naruto thought to himself.

Hinata blushed at having all the focus on her. "Yeah. Back in the Academy. I was always considered the failure of my clan, so no one really paid any attention to me...except Kiba. He pursued me like I was the only girl alive. I finally said yes to a date, and we went a few times, but I finally realized he'd pursue any girl who would give him the time of day, so we split," she said.

"YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS, HYUGA!" Kiba roared. Naruto tapped him on the shoulder. Kiba turned just in time for Naruto to begin his attack.

"EIGHT TRIGRAMS, SIXTY FOUR PALMS!" Naruto yelled. He came at Kiba with his hands open, fingers together like a knife. He began hitting Kiba in several points around the body. Each time he hit, Kiba felt like his insides were being torn to shreds. By the time the sixty-fourth hit landed, Kiba was barely conscious. He summoned the last of his strength and started to whistle. Naruto watched in shock as Kiba rose into the air.

Kiba's whistling took on an upbeat tune first; Naruto could only stare as a young girl, maybe thirteen, appeared before Kiba. She had green hair, was dressed from neck to toe in green, and her blue eyes sparkled with mischief. Next, his tune became the exact inverse of the first and was slower and somehow more somber. This time, a girl with red hair, blue eyes, and a farm-worker's outfit appeared. His tune changed again. At this third tune, a slower, more somber tune, with only five notes, a girl with blue skin, her head shaped like that of a hammerhead shark appeared. His tune changed once more; the tune was extremely sad, almost creepy this time. At this tune, an older woman appeared. Her hair was the same color as Kakashi's, her outfit looked like light battle armor, and her red eyes glinted with rage. Kiba's tune changed once more; this time it sounded like a lullaby. A final girl appeared. She looked to be the same age as the redhead, but she was blond, dressed in what looked like the dress of a princess, and her blue eyes looked kind, but hard.

Hinata, recognizing the group, yelled, "THOSE ARE ALL THE GIRLS YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH!" Naruto looked up at her and could see the pain of betrayal in her eyes. Enraged, he turned toward Kiba, who threw a fireball at him. Naruto, surprised, barely dodged in time.

Jumping back, Naruto said, "So you want to call in reinforcements, huh? Well, two can play that game." He formed a hand seal and seven more Narutos appeared. Two stood with Naruto and began forming a greenish ball of chakra in his hand while the other five clones kept Kiba and his girls distracted. The Rasenshuriken completed, Naruto threw it. It hit Kiba straight in the head, which sent him spinning in the air.

"_How could this have happened?" _Kiba thought to himself. Naruto grinned and leapt for Kiba, sending one final blow at him. The blow connected.

"KO!" Honorable Kono yelled, gaining himself quite a few looks again. "What?" he asked again.

Naruto landed on the ground seconds before the money Kiba burst into landed. Naruto picked it up. "Ugh, this isn't even enough for a bowl of ramen!" he groaned. Hinata appeared beside him, grabbed his hand, and the two left.

As they were leaving, they heard the Battle of the Bands announcer say "The Yellow Flashers win by default since the Flaming Crackers have lost two of their members." Hinata stopped.

She looked up at Ayame. "Hey, Ayame, say bye to your gay friends for me."

Ayame looked confused. "Gay friends?" She turned to where Kankuro was sitting, only to see Kankuro and Kabuto making out. "KANKURO? Again?"

Naruto chuckled as he and Hinata left. He saw the bus pulling up outside and smiled at Hinata. "Good timing, eh?" Hinata giggled, and the two got on the bus. Naruto handed the driver some of the money that used to be Kiba.

Hinata led Naruto to a seat at the back of the bus. She was _not_ looking forward to this conversation, but Naruto deserved to know. Naruto and Hinata took their seats. A few moments of awkward silence passed before Naruto cleared his throat.

"So, uh, evil ex-boyfriends?" Naruto laughed nervously.

Hinata blushed furiously. "Exes, actually. I...I've had some bad relationships. None of my exes took the break-ups well," she explained.

"Why did you break up with them?" Naruto asked before quickly adding. "If you don't mind me asking." He didn't mean to pry, but desperately wanted to avoid the mistakes that pushed Hinata away from the others.

"There were a couple of reasons. Kiba, as you heard, cheated on me. The others were emotionally distant or just cruel," Hinata said quickly. Naruto could tell she did not want to recall the painful memories. _He_ didn't want Hinata to recall the painful memories.

"I'm sorry I made you bring up bad memories," Naruto apologized. "And I'm sorry they are coming back, but I promise you won't face them alone this time."

Once again, Hinata was struck by how unintentionally charming Naruto was. "Thank you, Naruto. I have to warn you about them."

"About your ex-boyfriends?" Naruto's face scrunched up in confusion.

"Exes," Hinata corrected, blushing again. "If we're going to keep dating, you are going to have to defeat them."

"Oh..." Naruto started to mull over Hinata's statement when realization hit him like a train. "Wait! Are we dating now?"

Hinata's blush deepened. The last thing she had wanted was another relationship. However, there was something about Naruto that made her feel safe.

"I guess we are." Hinata couldn't help but return Naruto's megawatt smile. She dug around in her purse and pulled out a small book. Naruto accepted the book and Hinata watched Naruto arc his eyebrow.

"Hinata, this..." Naruto looked at the cover. It was decorated with pressed flowers. "This is the cutest thing I have ever seen. I think there's a law of physics I missed when I zoned out in the Academy. 'Hinata Hyuga must always be adorable'."

"Thank you. I'm sorry the inside won't be as cute as the outside. It's a Bingo Book of all my exes," Hinata said apologetically, blushing at his comment.

"We'll be fine," Naruto reassured Hinata. The pair sat in a comfortable silence for a minute. Naruto's face was suddenly split with a cheeky grin. "So, since we're dating, want to grab some food? I know a place that's always open."

Hinata blushed for the fifth time in as many minutes. "Actually, that sounds good, I'm starved," she said. _"Why am I blushing so much?"_ she asked herself. _"I literally haven't blushed this much, had this much fun, or felt so good since before I met Kiba, and that was ten years ago!"_ She looked at Naruto out of the corner of her eye; he was now looking at her like he wanted to devour her.

Naruto noticed she was looking at him. "Oh, sorry," he said, looking away from her. "It's just hard to take my eyes off you, you're just too beautiful for words."

Hinata blushed _again_. "Naruto, are you _trying_ to make me blush?" she asked, smiling. Naruto grinned and nodded. Hinata slapped his arm playfully, which only made Naruto grin wider. "Why would you want to make me blush?" Hinata asked.

Naruto smiled. "Oh, I don't know, maybe because it's the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life," he said. Hinata blushed again, then sighed and rested her head on Naruto's shoulder. Naruto put an arm around her shoulders, and the two relaxed, simply enjoying being close to one another.

Naruto and Hinata had been sitting together for about five minutes when Naruto heard the stop they needed called. He pulled the cord on the bus to request the stop, and the two got off a few moments later.

Hinata looked around. They were in a district of Konoha she hadn't seen before. "Where are we, Naruto?" she asked.

Naruto grinned and pointed at a small building across the street. "That's Ichiraku's. It's a ramen stand that's open all night, and they serve the best ramen anywhere. Plus, I know the chef personally," he said, a foxy grin plastered on his face.

Hinata could tell Naruto was trying to hide his worry, but she didn't call him on it. She just smiled and linked her arm with his. "Well, I'm starving," she said with a grin. "So let's eat."

As the two were crossing the street, Naruto's eyes were attracted to the headband Hinata wore around her neck. The etching on it resembled waves. _"Waves?" _Naruto thought. _"That's a Mist Village headband. I thought she was from the Stone Village!"_

Deciding to ask about it, Naruto spoke up, "Um, Hinata?" Hinata looked at Naruto as the two sat down in Ichiraku's. She raised one eyebrow in question. "Your headband is from Mist, isn't it?"

Hinata grabbed it and looked at it. "Yeah, I guess it is. Why?"

Naruto took a deep breath. "I thought you were from the Stone Village. So, why are you wearing a Mist headband?"

Hinata giggled slightly. "I change my headband every couple weeks, it's not that big of a deal." Naruto looked at her like she was totally insane for saying that, so Hinata decided to explain. "All right, look. Yes, I did come from the Stone Village most recently, but before that I traveled all over the place. I lived in all four of the other major villages and several of the minor ones before coming here, so now I've been in about ten of the ninja villages."

Hinata stopped for a moment, her eyes gaining a distant look. Naruto was too busy thinking how much _more_ exotic Hinata now seemed to notice. After a few moments, however, he did notice she had stopped talking. "So...I guess you still have your old headbands?" he said.

Hinata jumped a little and blushed as she realized Naruto had caught her zoning out. "Yeah, I kept them," she said after a moment. "So whenever I want a change, I switch which one I'm wearing. Sometimes I forget which one it is, though, that's all."

Naruto was about to say something, when out of nowhere a tall, strong-looking man with long white hair burst into the restaurant. "NARUTO UZUMAKI, I CHALLENGE YOU!" he yelled.

Hinata groaned in annoyance. "Not you again!" she said. "EIGHT TRIGRAMS, AIR PALM!" Her attack struck the man square in the chest, which sent him flying out of the restaurant and down the street.

Naruto, watching in fascination at how powerful Hinata's attack was, sweat-dropped when the man impacted with what appeared to be a normal young boy with a straw hat hanging around his neck. He appeared to be normal, that is, until his hands locked onto two poles and his arms stretched to crazy lengths before snapping back to normal and sending both the old man and the young boy flying the other direction; the force was so great, both flew over the village wall and out of sight.

Naruto turned back to Hinata and was about to say something when she spoke up first. "Sorry about that."

Naruto chuckled. "Don't worry. I know that guy. Stupid Pervy Sage."

Hinata looked surprised. "You know Jiraiya?" she asked, her voice making it obvious how shocked she was by this.

"Of course I know him. How do you think I know the Rasenshuriken? He taught me the Rasengan, and I improved it," he said nonchalantly. "He may be a stupid old pervert, but he is one hell of a ninja...if you can ever get him to be serious, that is. How do you know him?"

Hinata blushed. "He's my stalker," she said. Naruto looked at her in surprise. "Yeah, I know. One of the Legendary Sanin of the Leaf stalking me, I know that sounds ridiculous. But honestly, ever since he saw me in Mist once a few years ago, he's been trying to get me to go out with him. I keep telling him no, but he keeps coming back for more...as you just saw."

Naruto chuckled. "He's just a masochist, that's all." The two pondered that for a moment, then both burst out laughing. It seemed ridiculous that a ninja would be a masochist, but Jiraiya seemed to fit the bill.

As neither Naruto nor Hinata had spoken up before that, it was their laughing fit that drew the restaurant's owner and chef from the back. "Oh, Naruto!" he said, a smile on his face. "Haven't seen you in a while, what can I get for you?" Then he saw Hinata. "And who's your friend?"

Naruto grinned. "This is Hinata; she's my girlfriend," Naruto said, his voice proud. Hinata blushed, but, when the chef looked at her, she nodded.

"Well, good for you, Naruto," Teuchi, the chef, said. "So, what can I get for you two tonight?"

Naruto ordered his usual twenty bowls of ramen; Hinata surprised both Naruto and Teuchi by asking for the same. Both looked at her with their jaws hanging. "What?" Hinata asked. "I'm not like Ino; I like to freaking EAT!"

Naruto gave a grin. "All right, then," he said. "Let's see who can eat more, what do you say?"

Hinata, never one to turn down a challenge, grinned. "You're on, buster!"

Naruto's grin became determined. "Awesome. Okay, Teuchi, one at a time to each of us and just keep them coming. And don't worry, I've got plenty of cash. Won a couple of fights tonight."

Teuchi grinned. "All right then, Naruto. Let's see how this goes," he said, chuckling.

An Hour Later

Naruto had shattered his all-time record of thirty bowls of ramen by eating thirty-five. To both his and Teuchi's utter shock, Hinata had been consistently at least two bowls ahead of him and was now finishing her fortieth.

Hinata sighed. "That was good. Thank you," she said. Turning and finding Naruto staring at her, Hinata adopted a confused look. "What?"

Naruto gulped. "That was...the single hottest thing...I have _ever_ seen!"

Hinata chuckled. "Better be careful, Naruto, you're starting to sound like a fanboy."

Naruto grinned, then pulled Hinata to him and looked her square in the eyes. His voice became deeper. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," he said. Hinata giggled. Naruto released her and shook his head. "Sorry, I have no idea where _that_ came from."

"It's all right, Naruto. That was actually kinda exciting," Hinata said, her face flushed a little. _"So he's not just unintentionally charming, he's unintentionally romantic, too,"_ she thought to herself. _"Not bad."_

Naruto grinned. "Come on, let's get you home," he said. Hinata nodded and the two made their way back to the bus stop where they had so recently disembarked to wait for the next bus, which arrived within moments.

Konoha's newest couple sat on the bus together, Naruto's arm around Hinata's shoulders. Hearing her stop called, Hinata pulled the cord. "This is me," she said, her voice a little sad. She didn't want to be apart from Naruto any more than his arm around her said he wanted to be apart from her.

"Hey, can I come in with you?" Naruto suddenly asked. Hinata looked at him, surprised. "Sorry, too soon?"

Hinata smiled. "Actually, I was just thinking about inviting you in, so sure, you can come in for a while," she said.

Naruto pumped his free hand into the air in the form of a fist. Hinata giggled at his enthusiasm.

The bus stopped, and the young couple disembarked for the second time in as many hours. Hinata unlocked her door, and they entered her house. Naruto was slightly surprised at how large it was, but he didn't say anything.

Hinata smiled at Naruto then. "Oh, you do realize that's the last bus tonight, right?" she asked. Naruto nodded. "Guess you're stuck here for tonight, then, huh?"

Naruto chuckled. "Guess so. Oh, hey, I want to show you something," he said.

Hinata looked confused. "How would you know what's here?"

Naruto smiled. "Come outside with me a second, you'll see."

"All right, I've actually got a balcony upstairs. Will that work?" Hinata asked. Naruto nodded, and the two went upstairs. Stepping outside, Naruto looked at the sky. It was a perfectly clear night. "So, what is it you were going to show me?"

Naruto grinned. "Just watch," he said. Both of them looked up at the sky just in time to see a star go flying across the sky. Hinata gasped.

"How...how did you know that was going to happen?" she asked.

Naruto chuckled. "There's a shooting star that passes here every year on the same night at the same time. Tonight, right now, just happened to be that time," he said. "Did you make a wish?"

Hinata smiled and blushed. "Yeah, actually, I did," she said. "I wonder if it will come true." She said the last part mostly to herself.

Naruto smiled at the desire he could see in her eyes. "It will." Hinata looked at him in shock. "Because I wished for the same thing."

Naruto put his arms around Hinata, who leaned into his embrace. The two slowly closed their eyes and kissed. Naruto didn't have much experience with such things, but he decided if this was what every kiss with Hinata was going to be like, he'd gladly give up every kiss he could ever have with anyone else just for one with Hinata.

**Solvdrage: **I think we can officially declare ourselves insane. And yes, we did reference One Piece, Gone with the Wind and Legend of Dragoon in the same chapter.

**hinatasgreatestfan:** So, who's next?

Jiraiya: ME ME ME!

HGF (slaps him across the face): You are NOT one of Hinata's ex's you lunatic!

Jiraiya (makes sucking motions with his lips): Come on, just a little taste...*falls to the ground, out cold*

HGF (rolls eyes): Even when he's almost out cold, he's a pervert. What can I say? He's Jiraiya. Wait...what the hell was he...? Never mind, I do not WANT to know what he was trying to do!

Shino: Indeed you do not.

HGF: Oh, it's you, Shino, guess you're up next, huh?

Shino: It would seem such is the case.

HGF: Anyway, come on back next time to see what happens with Shino and Jiraiya...er...yeah, just come on back and see.


	4. Naruto's Warning

A/N: Rose Tiger, this one's for you.

Chapter 4

Naruto opened his apartment door with a huge grin on his face. "Someone's in a good mood," Kankuro commented off-handedly, his eyes never leaving the bacon he was frying.

"Well, someone had the most amazing first kiss ever last night, and someone has a second date tonight," Naruto said, knocking on the counter triumphantly.

Kankuro chuckled. "Someone's lucky then," he said as Naruto went into the back closet and changed in an instant into a black shirt and black pants. "And how the hell do you do that?"

"Do what?" Naruto asked. "Oh, change so fast? I don't know, I just do. And you do know when I say someone I mean me, right?"

As Naruto was saying this, Kabuto came out of the bathroom. Naruto groaned. Kabuto came up to Naruto and threw his arm around Naruto's shoulders. "Hey, Naruto, why don't you ditch your date and come out with _me_ tonight?"

Naruto looked at him. "Is your name Hinata Hyuga?" he asked sarcastically.

Kabuto sweat-dropped. "Um, no, my name's Kabuto," he said.

Naruto sweat-dropped, then said, "Then you are not on the "Can Hit On Naruto List," so get the hell away from me." That said, he grabbed Kabuto by one hand and, swinging around, threw him out the door.

As luck would have it, a bus was passing Naruto's apartment just then and Kabuto got slammed by it. For some weird reason, there was a rope trailing behind the bus, and Kabuto's arm got caught in it, so he was dragged by the bus. Naruto looked at the bus a moment, then chuckled.

"What's so funny?" Kankuro asked.

"Your new boyfriend is going to get dragged all the way to the Land of Lightning by that bus," Naruto said. "Sorry, but that was just too much for me to take."

Kankuro just shrugged. "That's all right, I'm off to stalk Shino Aburame today anyway, so yeah, later," he said and, grabbing his coat, left.

Naruto chuckled. "Typical Kankuro," he said to himself, grabbing the plate of bacon Kankuro had never touched and sitting down to eat it. He sighed. "I haven't even been apart from Hinata for two hours, and it's already driving me nuts. What can I do?"

He pulled out the book Hinata had given him and marveled again at how adorable it was. Chuckling, he carefully opened it. The first page was mostly blank. It simply read "Bingo Book of Hinata Hyuga's Ex-Boyfriends" in Hinata's refined calligraphy. Naruto smiled as he ran one finger over the words slowly, marveling again at how _everything_ about Hinata seemed utterly perfect to him.

Sighing, he flipped the page and saw that the first person in the book was Kiba. Chuckling, he thought, _"Well, that's one to mark off anyway."_ He made a small mark on the bottom of the page to signify he'd already defeated this one and was about to turn to the next page when there was a knock at his door.

Muttering in annoyance, Naruto got up and opened the door. He raised his eyebrow at the person who stood there. The person had hair that resembled Naruto's own in spikiness, but differed in that it was orange to Naruto's blond. His face and ears were littered with piercings, and his eyes were an odd gray color and consisted of several concentric circles. It took him a moment, but then he recognized the man.

"Oh, hi, Yahiko, what does Nagato need?" he asked blithely as he turned and reentered his apartment.

The now-named Yahiko sweat-dropped. "You do know I talk through all my paths, don't you, Naruto?" he asked.

Naruto chuckled. "Of course I know that, Nagato, but I'm not exactly talking to _you_ either, am I?" The orange-haired man shrugged, granting Naruto's point. "Anyway, what can I do for you?"

"Oh, nothing much, unless of course you're planning to give up on this Hinata girl," Yahiko commented.

Naruto gave him an appraising look. "Please tell me you're not one of her exes."

Yahiko chuckled. "Not hardly. I was sent by Sasuke Uchiha," he said back. "He _is_ one of her exes, and he's sending you a warning via me to back off and leave her alone."

Naruto gave him a glare, but he was smiling. "Not a chance, sorry," he said. "I've already fought to the death once to stay with her, and I fully intend to do so as many more times as necessary, so, no offense, Yahiko, Nagato, but both of you can just fuck off."

Yahiko grinned. "I expected as much. Personally, I wish you the best of luck, Naruto, but I had to deliver this message. Pay the bills and all that, you know."

Naruto nodded. "No offense taken, but I have things I need to do, so please," he said, opening the door. Yahiko took the hint and left.

As he was leaving, the orange-haired man turned and gave Naruto a grin. "One piece of advice, Naruto," he said. Naruto nodded. "Don't look Sasuke in the eyes."

Naruto grinned. "Thanks, but I already knew that. Stupid Sharingan," he chuckled. Yahiko nodded and the two parted, Naruto back into his apartment, Yahiko heading off down the street.

Naruto walked back into the apartment and sat down. He couldn't remember what he had been doing prior to Yahiko delivering the message from one of Hinata's asshole ex-boyfriends. So, he turned on the TV and tried to watch a movie. The movie was a generic action movie with a generic stoic action star. It sucked.

"God, I haven't been this disappointed in a movie since Three Ninjas," Naruto lamented. He was bored. Oh so very bored. Naruto looked at the clock and saw that it was before noon. "I can't wait several hours for my date. Time why do you punish me?"

The desire to see Hinata hit Naruto like a wave crashing into the shore.

"She deserves flowers!" Naruto shouted and bolted from his chair. He walked towards downtown Konoha with a smile on his face. The weather was wonderful and Naruto was excited about his upcoming date with Hinata.

"Damn kids!" A very angry voice shouted. Naruto looked over and didn't even fight off his groan. Tom the Butcher was yelling at some kids again. Suddenly, there was a roar and a large tiger with a wreath of roses around its neck rushed from the alley. Tom barely had time to yell out before the tiger mauled him to death. Naruto shrugged his shoulders at the sight. Tom the Butcher was an asshole and wouldn't be missed.

Naruto made his way to the Yamanaka Flower Shop first and bought a bouquet of red and white roses for Hinata. "Who are these for?" Ino asked as he was paying for the flowers.

"Hinata, who else?" he asked back.

Ino's jaw dropped. "NOOOOOOOO!" Her yell was heard even as far away as Naruto's apartment, where Kankuro and Shino, who were just sitting down to eat, both of whom recognized Ino's voice, wondered what had gotten into her. Both shook their heads and decided to ignore it.

Naruto, bouquet in hand and ringing in ears, made his way to Shikamaru's apartment to meet up with the rest of the band. They had a jam session to squeeze in before Hinata came over. Naruto smiled at the thought of the raven-haired girl and reached for the book he'd been looking through earlier. He was surprised to find he didn't have it. He rolled his eyes at himself; he must have left it on the counter back at his apartment.

Little did Naruto know, at that exact moment Shino was looking at the counter in Naruto and Kankuro's apartment and wondering what the small flowery-looking book sitting there was.

Naruto rang the doorbell at Shikamaru's apartment and, moments later, was allowed in. He set the bouquet on the table and grinned at everyone. "All right, let's jam!" he said. Then he noticed that everyone was looking at him and then at the couch in the back of the room with massively disturbed looks on their faces. He turned to see what had them all so weirded out. He immediately wished he hadn't.

Hinata looked around the store. She sighed. _"This is new. I'm actually missing Naruto,"_ she thought to herself. She smiled. _"This whole dating Naruto thing...I'm actually liking it."_

"Better not get used to it, Hinata," a voice said from behind her. Hinata turned around. A young woman with long red hair was standing there.

"Karin?" she said in shock.

"That's right, it's me, Hinata, come to get you for Sasuke. I may never earn his love, but if it's you he wants, it's you he'll get!" she said, a dreamy look in her eyes as she spoke of the Uchiha.

Hinata gave a glare to the redhead. "If you really think I'm going back to him, you've got another think coming, Karin," she said. That said, she rushed at the redhead, hands blazing with chakra. Karin dodged each attack as if she'd been doing so for years. Then Hinata spotted something. _"I wonder if Naruto would like those,"_ she thought to disguise her intentions.

"I wouldn't be worried about his tastes at the moment if I were you, Hinata," Karin commented off-hand. Hinata made a dive, which Karin dodged, thinking the girl was coming after her.

Hinata grabbed the item she'd been thinking of before, a package of gyōza, and threw it at Karin. Karin, seeing what it was, slapped it back toward Hinata, dropping something in the process, and fled the shop, a look of horror and disgust on her face. Hinata giggled and added it to the items she'd chosen so far. _"Nothing like out-thinking a psychic to boost your confidence,"_ she thought to herself, shaking her head at the irony of the situation. Looking down, she happened to see a slip of paper on the ground. Picking it up, she found that it said "After Neji, I'll be next. –Karin". Hinata growled at the thought of her cousin. "Oh, well, at least I won't have to deal with Karin for a while now."

Walking out of the shop, she could hear Karin's voice from a distance off. "Why did it have to be gyōza? I HATE THAT STUFF!"

Hinata giggled again. "Well," she said to herself. "I guess it's time I head over to Shikamaru's to meet up with Naruto." Hinata smiled at the sound of Naruto's name. _"I'm actually looking forward to seeing him again,"_ she thought. _"It's nice to actually have something to look _forward_ to for once."_

A short time later, Hinata arrived at Shikamaru's apartment and rang the doorbell, never suspecting she was about to enter a whole new world.

**Hinatasgreatestfan:** And there's the new chapter!

**Shino:** I thought my fight was this chapter.

**HGF:** Yeah, well, you got postponed.

**Shino (walking away, slips on Tom the Butcher's remains):** Get this cleaned up!

**Solvdrage (grabs mop):** I demand minimum wage for this, in addition to whoring myself out for votes on both our polls!

**HGF (rolls eyes):** Come on back next time to see what insanity Hinata and Naruto cause this time!

**NaruHina: **We do NOT cause insanity!

**HGF (raises eyebrow at them):** You speak and think as one and you say you don't cause insanity?

**Solvdrage:** Ia ia NaruHina fhtagn.

**HGF (points at Solvdrage):** Case in point.


	5. Naruto's Awkward Moment

Chapter 5

Hinata looked around the wreckage that was Shikamaru's apartment. The teen himself was standing off to the side, pacing and muttering about repair costs and how much of a drag this whole mess was. Hinata rolled her eyes at him, already used to his antics, and looked around for Naruto. She found him sitting on the couch with her sister, Hanabi, beside him, tending to his wounds, which included a split lip and a black eye.

"Oh, Naruto!" she said. "What in the world happened to you?"

Naruto shivered, but waved off her question. "Don't worry about me, I'll live, you need to make sure Hanabi's okay..." he shuddered again before adding, "God, that was creepy!" Hanabi shivered as well, seemingly remembering whatever it was Naruto was talking about.

Hinata turned to Hanabi, who just shook her head; she looked distinctly ill, so Hinata didn't push her. Looking around the apartment, Hinata found that no one would meet her eyes. She was getting frustrated with the lack of answers by now. She yelled, "ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE!" Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at her; Naruto even turned somewhat to look at her with his uninjured eye. "Thank you. Now that I have your attention, will someone _please_ tell me what happened here?" Her tone made it clear that she wasn't really asking now, she was _demanding_ answers.

"Well, it's a long story..." Naruto started.

"A very _creepy_ long story," Konohamaru interrupted to add. Hanabi shivered again and nodded.

"Right, very creepy, very long. It all started when I came over here after throwing Kabuto in front of a bus," Naruto started his story once again.

"Wait, you never mentioned throwing Kabuto in front of a bus!" Temari exclaimed as she dug through a pile of debris.

"He totally deserved it! He was hitting on me!" Naruto defended himself.

"That means that creepy bastard would have cheated on the one brother I actually like! Good work, Naruto!" Temari cheered on her band-mate and gave him a high five.

"Ow! That broken bone hasn't healed yet!" Naruto shouted and winced. "Anyway, I've always wondered who this mystery brother of yours is."

"No one important!" Temari and Hinata practically screamed at the same time. Naruto chewed his lip for a bit.

"Well, if you two say it's not important, I won't worry about it," Naruto accepted Temari and Hinata's shout at face value. The two older women shared a look. Konohamaru leaned in and asked Hanabi what just happened. Hanabi whispered the translation for "non-verbal female communication".

"You can pay me back later," Hanabi said out loud.

"It's a date then," Konohamaru said cheerfully.

"Anyway, what happened to Kabuto?" Shikamaru asked from the couch.

"Dunno, but he was still alive and screaming when I started to head over here," Naruto shrugged.

"Wonder what happened to him?" Sakura asked from the window.

"I wonder..." Konohamaru asked as he chased Sakura off with the squirt bottle.

Meanwhile, in the Land of Lightning, the bus finally came to a stop. Kabuto pulled himself out from under the bus. "Curse that Uzumaki! If I didn't have my special healing jutsu, I would have died!"

Suddenly, out of nowhere, two large men wreathed in chakra shrouds charged Kabuto from opposite sides and simultaneously clotheslined him. Kabuto didn't even have a chance to utter an 'oh shit' before his head popped straight up like a champagne cork. The head was promptly shredded by a passing helicopter.

A and Killer Bee exchanged high fives. The music reporter following the pair for a story stared in shock.

"Why...why did you do that?"

"He wasn't awesome enough to visit Kumo," A said with a growl. "Besides, he should have dodged."

"That bitch was too much a uke to even juke," Killer Bee added, before nodding and jotting down that line in a notebook.

"Oh, well. Nothing of value was lost..." Naruto said with a smile as he turned the TV off. Shikamaru had accidentally turned it on while searching for his bus pass.

"Right, but what caused all..." Hinata asked while motioning around the ruined apartment, "this?"

"I fought Neji," Naruto announced. Hanabi shrieked for Konohamaru to hold her as the terror of the earlier situation returned to her mind.

"Oh god..." Hinata slumped in a chair. _That_ had to have been the most awkward situation ever. "Before you all ask, I didn't know he was my cousin before we started dating!"

"We know, Neji kinda mentioned it," Temari added helpfully.

"Anyway, after my near-manslaughter of Kabuto, I showed up here 'cause it was boring without you around and Kankuro was off stalking Shino Aburame," Naruto was happily telling his story and missed Hinata flinching at the mention of Shino. Hinata was happy to know that she was always at the forefront of Naruto's thoughts. "So, I arrive for a jam session, but things were real quiet."

"Well, we all were fighting off our terror," Temari added.

Shikamaru nodded. "And the urge to vomit. I'm glad we did. Cleaning puke from the floor is such a drag."

"So..." Naruto huffed at the interruption. "I opened the door to the second most awkward situation of my life."

"This was the _second?" _Konohamaru squawked. "Do I even want to know the first?"

"Probably not. It involved Kankuro, his puppets, his boyfriend, two buckets and a live goat," Naruto said with a shrug. "But enough about Kankuro playing Extreme Candy Land..."

xxxxxx

Naruto opened the door to Shikamaru and Temari's apartment and strolled inside. "Hey, Honorable Kono, have Shikamaru and Temari revived their Wii Play rivalry or..._oh my God!"_

"Help me," Hanabi mouthed as a strange man tried to position her in his lap.

"Who the hell are you and what are you doing to Hanabi?" Naruto belched the question as the whole situation was pretty damn creepy.

"I am Neji Hyūga," Neji introduced himself.

"You're a god damn child molester is what you are!" Naruto spat as Neji ran a finger along a very, very traumatized Hanabi's jawline.

"I assure you, Hanabi is no child," Neji countered.

"Maybe in Third World Bumfuckistan!" Konohamaru shouted as he threw a punch at Neji. The punch never landed as Neji extended his hand. A veritable wall of vines erupted from the ground and ensnared Konohamaru.

"Neji's wood is amazing, isn't it?" A very familiar voice floated over Naruto's shoulder.

"Gak!" Naruto jumped and spun around. He immediately felt like he had been slapped. It couldn't be her, but it was. "Tenten?"

"It's been a while, Naruto," Tenten said calmly.

"Yeah, just over a year," he responded. Then he did a double take, looking from Neji to Tenten and back. "So wait...this is..._him?"_

"If you mean this is the guy I left you for, then yes, this is him," she responded.

"Well," Naruto said after a moment. "You kicked my heart in the ass a year ago. My turn." With that, he returned his attention to the _extremely creepy_ situation taking place on Shikamaru's couch.

xxxxxx

"Wait, who's Tenten?" Hinata interrupted. Everyone fell completely quiet.

Surprising everyone, it was Naruto who answered. "She's my ex. I dated her for longer than I care to admit, and I probably could have married her, but she left me...a little over a year ago. Sakura was the first person I dated after that, and now you."

"M-married?" Hinata stammered.

"I was a kid. She was the first girl I had those kind of feelings for. That feeling was incredible..." Naruto drifted off for a moment. "Then she ditched me for Neji and I hit a low point. Really low...and I was a bit of a troublemaker for a while."

"You did become a jerk for a while there," Shikamaru said idly.

"Thank you, Shikamaru, for that. It's not like I'm pouring my soul out here," Naruto said with a hint of annoyance.

"Here to help," Shikamaru quipped as he reclined in his chair.

"Anyway, back to my incredibly emotional explanation about the pitfalls of my romantic life..." Naruto said after clearing his throat. "After Tenten ran off with Neji, I was afraid to get involved with anyone again. You're the first real relationship I've had since then, Hinata. My dating Sakura was mainly the emotional equivalent of jumping on a table and shouting, I feel _good again_."

"So, I don't count?" Temari asked teasingly. Hinata's jaw dropped. She hadn't known about Naruto and Temari.

"Oh come on, Temari. You know as well as I do that we only dated as a joke to freak out Kankuro. Remember the time we were making out on his bed? I think we got him to throw up," Naruto recalled.

"And that one time...oh man, I can still remember Kankuro's reaction to the time I left my bra hanging on the door knob," Temari chuckled.

"God, that fake orgasm of yours was one of the funniest things ever. I think Kankuro didn't stop running until he hit the Valley of the End," Naruto laughed and gave Temari a high-five.

"Bones healed?" Temari asked.

"Bones healed," Naruto confirmed.

"I don't mean to interrupt your stroll down memory lane, but what happened after Neji attacked Honorable Kono?" Hinata asked a tad impatiently. Konohamaru frowned at Hinata picking up his least favorite nickname.

"Oh, well, things got a bit painful," Naruto winced at the memory.

xxxxxx

"How the heck is he doing that?" Naruto shouted in shock. He drew a brace of shuriken and cut Konohamaru free.

"Neji's vegan lifestyle grants him the Wood Release. Combine that with his Byakugan and he's unstoppable," Tenten said in utter admiration.

"Wait, being vegan grants you Wood Release?" Shikamaru asked from the other side of the room.

"Yes, being vegan has given me power beyond your puny little imagination. I am going to crush you, Naruto Uzumaki, and prove you aren't worthy of dating my cousin Hinata!" Neji shouted and, very dramatically, entered a Gentle Fist stance.

"Oh great, not only do I have to deal with Hinata's exes, I have to deal with her overprotective relatives," Naruto grumbled.

"I **am** one of Hinata's exes! I am Hinata's **Fourth Evil Ex!"** Neji said proudly. All sound except the sound of the jaws of the Yellow Flashers hitting the floor fled the room.

"Wait, fourth?" Naruto eventually managed to reel his jaw back into place to ask.

"Yes! I was the fourth person Hinata dated! We met and bonded over our shared Bloodline Limit! It was wonderful. Our relationship was as pure as our shared blood! Then...then she discovered our shared blood and left! Hinata said what we had was wrong!" Neji ranted.

"Uh, you're cousins. That sort of relationship might have worked in the seventeen hundreds, but this is the twenty-first century. Now, it's just very, very creepy. And isn't there supposed to be an order in all this? I mean, I've only curb-stomped one of Hinata's exes," Naruto shot back.

"Really? I would have expected the others to have made a move by now. I mean, I'm a famous and talented rock-star. You'd think one of the _bums_ Hinata sullied herself with would have taken you out by now," Neji mused.

Naruto turned to Tenten who was simply watching the exchange. "And you're okay with your _boyfriend_ admitting to being a freaky incestuous borderline pedo?"

"Neji and I are comfortable with our open relationship," Tenten huffed.

"God, do we know _anyone normal?"_ Konohamaru shouted.

"No! Now, enough talk, Naruto Uzumaki! The League of Evil Exes wants you dead!" Neji shouted and wordlessly used Eight Trigrams Air Palm to knock Naruto through the window.

"Great, our apartment is going to be trashed isn't it?" Shikamaru groaned as Naruto flew through the gap using an overloaded version of Tree Walking.

"I'm going to borrow your catchphrase to describe all this," Temari added as Neji created an oak tree to block Naruto's attack.

Naruto flipped away and growled. Neji was a really good fighter. He needed a distraction so that he could summon Shadow Clones. He grinned as an idea struck him.

xxxxxx

"Oh come on!" Naruto groaned as he was interrupted by the doorbell. Hanabi jumped off the couch, much to Honorable Kono's disappointment, and ran to the door with a garbage bag full of coins.

"Please god, don't give any back! Consider it your tip! Take it to the Land of Demons and spend it all in that faraway land!" Hanabi shouted as she forced the bag into the orange-haired delivery guy's hands. The younger Hyuga skipped back to the group carrying their pizza order.

"Tell Nagato hi for me," Naruto told the delivery guy as he left. The guy gave Naruto a weird look, then just shrugged and walked away.

"You're using our cousin's corpse to pay for _pizza?" _Hinata gasped.

"Yeah," everyone said at once before digging in.

"Something I've been wondering, Hinata..." Temari said as she put a slice of double cheese pizza on her plate. "How did you not know Neji was your cousin?"

"It...it was an online relationship. We met in a chat-room for those with Bloodline Limits and started talking about the Byakugan. It was nice to have someone to talk to who wouldn't judge me and understood what it was like to have the Byakugan. Eventually, I agreed to meet with him in person. I recognized him immediately and ended everything right then and there. Neji...didn't take it well," Hinata explained.

"Oh, that makes things _slightly _less creepy," Shikamaru said as he chewed.

"Okay, now that we've gotten our dinner, can we continue?" Naruto asked between bites. Hinata nodded as she put a slice on her own plate.

xxxxxx

"I never thought a Hyuga would take orders from an Uchiha," Naruto taunted.

"**I am not taking orders from Sasuke!"** Neji roared, and in his anger created a small grove of trees to explode into existence all around him. "Sasuke and I may have a common cause, namely destroying you, but as soon as you are removed, I will defeat Sasuke and prove the superiority of the Byakugan!"

Neji's vision was partially obscured and Naruto took the opportunity to create several clones. The horde of Narutos charged Neji.

"Wood Style: Deep Forest Creation!" Neji shouted and a massive forest destroyed nearly all of Naruto's clones.

"Fuck this, I'm making ramen!" A clone in the background cursed and headed to the kitchen.

Naruto charged a Giant Rasengan and blew a hole in the forest, and the bedroom wall. Neji immediately used Eight Trigrams Palms Rotation to protect himself from Naruto's powerful attack.

xxxxxx

Naruto groaned as Konohamaru told a telemarketer to never call back. "Honorable Kono! Can I get more than five minutes into retelling my epic battle with Hinata's creepy cousin before being interrupted?"

"Probably not," Hanabi joked as she put her head on Konohamaru's shoulder. Naruto let out a choked and exasperated groan.

xxxxxx

Naruto landed painfully on the coffee table and was pretty sure he had broken at least two ribs. Neji stalked over with a triumphant grin.

"I'm sorry Tenten, but I'm about to destroy your ex-boyfriend!" Neji said behind his grin.

"I'm pretty sure we've both moved on," Tenten said neutrally.

"Yeah...I've finally accepted that what we had ended when you _ditched_ me. I'm the happiest I've ever been now that I'm dating Hinata. Even with the whole 'evil assholes trying to kill me' thing," Naruto confessed.

xxxxxx

"That's...so sweet, Naruto," Hinata swooned a bit.

"Thank you, Hinata!" Naruto said happily. His happiness turned to near-ecstasy when Hinata kissed him on the cheek.

"Hey! How come you aren't getting angry about Hinata interrupting you?" Konohamaru shouted.

"Because, Honorable Kono, whatever makes Hinata happy, makes me happy!" Naruto exclaimed. Konohamaru, Hanabi and Temari grumbled something about double standards. Shikamaru had gotten bored with the entire troublesome situation and had fallen asleep.

xxxxxx

"At least you'll die with a smile on your face," Neji taunted. Naruto suddenly flashed his famous, and dangerous, 'I have an idea' grin.

"Don't I get a last meal?" Naruto asked. Neji rolled his eyes. "Please? I'll even share as a peace offering to show that I don't have any hard feelings."

"That's surprisingly honorable for a clan-less ruffian," Neji huffed. Naruto, painfully, substituted with one of his clones and snatched the ramen from the other.

"Hey!" The clone shouted in righteous anger. "The only person I'm willing to give my ramen to is Hinata!"

Naruto punched the clone in the face and caused it to dispel. "Ow!"

"Did you just break your hand punching one of your own Shadow Clones in the face?" Tenten asked in shocked amusement.

"Shut up Tenten," Naruto grumbled. He then turned his attention to Neji. "Don't worry, it's tofu ramen."

Neji accepted the ramen and gestured politely. "Itadakimasu."

"Damn, you really are trapped in the seventeen hundreds you 'crushing-on-your-cousins' freak," Honorable Kono gasped. "You are probably more pissed that you forgot your powdered wig than the fact that your hot cousins have standards!"

"After I kill Uzumaki, I'm sodomizing you with a pine tree," Neji threatened as he swallowed his noodles.

"You...sick...fuck!" Temari gagged out.

"Oh, I don't think we'll have to worry about that," Naruto announced triumphantly while tossing his now empty ramen container over his shoulder. "Neji isn't vegan anymore."

"Ha! Nice try, but this was _clearly_ tofu ramen!" Neji countered.

"It was...but the noodles were egg noodles," Naruto smirked.

"A clever strategy, but I have carefully reviewed the Vegan by-laws. I get three strikes," Neji matched Naruto's smirk. Before Naruto could curse his luck, an old Woodie car crashed through the already damaged front wall. Two men hopped out and pointed their fingers at Neji as if they were guns.

"Holy shit, it's the First Hokage!" Hanabi gasped in awe. "And...some other guy!"

"I'm not just some other guy! I'm Yamato and an ANBU captain," Yamato pouted.

"I'm sure you're bad-ass and all, but you're not the First Hokage," Honorable Kono countered.

"Regardless! We are the Vegan Police and you, Neji Hyūga, are in violation of the Vegan by-laws!" Hashirama shouted.

"Um, before you arrest Neji or whatever, I got to ask..." Naruto started to speak. The First Hokage shrugged his shoulders and turned to Naruto. "Didn't you die in the final battle against Madara Uchiha?"

"Actually, we faked our deaths. I was sick of all the paperwork and wished to devote myself to my vegan lifestyle. Ole Madara was sick of being in charge of a clan full of emo bitches of ambiguous sexuality and wanted to go somewhere where he could use his natural Uchiha good looks to pick up chicks without one of his clan members whining about 'Senju Oppression'," Hashirama explained.

"But weren't you two Epic Rivals?" Shikamaru asked.

"Yeah, in air hockey. But enough! We have a Vegan Violator to punish!" Hashirama declared.

"Neji Hyūga you have three violations of the Vegan by-laws. At 10:30 P.M., March 3rd, 2000 you partook of a serving of herring soba," Yamato read from a scroll that had somehow grown from a tree.

"Fish isn't vegan?" Neji questioned.

"Hell no, pretty boy!" Hashirama shouted. "Second violation: March 9th, 2010: Tenten!"

Everyone's jaw dropped again. "H-how...how do _I_ count?" Tenten was thoroughly scandalized.

"Maybe Neji shouldn't be so good at that thing he does with his tongue," Yamato said with anger.

"Do I even want to know how you know?" Temari asked with a shudder.

"We're always watching for violations of the Vegan by-laws, and we have eyes everywhere," Hashirama declared, tapping the wood wall behind him. "And now, November 29th, 2011: Egg Noodles in Tofu Ramen."

"I-I still say the second one shouldn't count!" Neji growled.

"No appeals!" Hashirama and Yamato shouted at the same time. They flashed through a series of hand seals. "Hokage Vegan Style: Tenth Edict of De-veganization!"

Neji was surrounded by ten wooden giraffe statues. The Hyuga rock star looked up in fear as energy gathered in the giraffes' eyes.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Neji screamed as the giraffes fired powerful green rays with an odd zap sound and stripped him of his Wood Release powers.

xxxxxx

"No, it wasn't a zap, more of a zip," Honorable Kono interrupted.

"No, not a zip, more of a shloop," Temari put in her two ryo.

"What are you idiots talking about? That ray made a zum sound!" Shikamaru piped up, still half-asleep. "What a drag, you guys are such morons!" He then promptly fell back asleep. After thinking a moment, everyone nodded.

"May I _please_ continue?" Naruto asked, obviously annoyed.

xxxxxx

"Another Vegan Violator punished!" Yamato declared.

"Our work here is done, let's go ravage some beavers," Hashirama said as he high-fived Yamato before the two Vegan Police drove off in their Woodie.

"**Finish him," **Shikamaru said in a surprisingly dark voice, at which point everyone noticed Naruto had disappeared.

Naruto miraculously erupted from the ground and destroyed Neji with a vicious uppercut.

"**K.O!"** Hanabi and Honorable Kono announced at the same time. The two teenagers whirled around and their eyes met. Hanabi immediately jumped Konohamaru, and the two started to make out as Neji's coin remains rained down around them.

"Fourth evil ex down!" Naruto shouted as he nursed his very broken hand.

"But you've only beaten two of them," Temari piped up.

"Yeah..." Shikamaru drawled. "You'd think a group like that would be more professional."

"Leave it to an Uchiha to ruin a perfectly good plot point," Naruto nodded sagely.

xxxxxx

"And that...is how I defeated your evil and incredibly creepy cousin," Naruto finished the story with finality.

"You are so amazing, Naruto," Hinata beamed and hugged her boyfriend. "I just have one question..."

"Yeah?" Naruto asked nervously.

"How did Hanabi and Honorable Kono get so hurt? They weren't involved much in the battle," Hinata inquired. Hanabi and Konohamaru laughed nervously.

"They were making out so hot and heavy that they tripped over a root the First Hokage left behind and landed awkwardly," Shikamaru, who had finally fully woken up, explained.

"Oh...speaking of the Vegan Police, were they the ones who fixed your house?" Hinata asked.

"Not really, Yamato came back as 'Yamato, president and CEO of Yamato Instant Home Restoration' and fixed everything for free," Temari explained.

"So, that was our day, anything important happen with you?" Naruto asked as Hinata sat in his lap.

"Oh, nothing important," Hinata shrugged.

**Hinatasgreatestfan:** And there's the chapter! Sorry it took so long to get this one out!

**Shino: **What the hell was all that with Neji about? You better not make me creepy like that!

**HGF:** You're not going to be creepy, just distant, don't worry.

**Solvdrage:** Well...I bet you've never read anything like _that_ before. And you probably won't again. I can't believe I went to town on Neji and Tenten like that! They are some of my favorite characters!

**Neji:** Son, I am disappoint.

**Tenten:** You jerk, Solvdrage! We're always good guys in all your other fics!

**Solvdrage:** I'll make it up I swear! Tenten, please put down the minigun and Neji, there's no need for the 'I'm about to Juuken you to the moon' symbol on the floor is there? I'll write a new fic! One where you two are the main characters! (Shameless self promotion: if you'd like to see that fic, shoot me a PM on my account)

**HGF:** Anyway, hope you all enjoyed, tune in next time for more Jiraiya and another evil ex!

**Jiraiya: **It's finally my turn? Oh, goody!

**HGF (slaps Jiraiya): ** I did NOT say that, I said you'd show up you old pervert! See you later, everyone, I've got a pervert to deal with!


	6. Naruto's Discovery

Chapter 6

Naruto was whistling as he walked down the main street of the village. It had been a few days since his fight with Neji, and he was almost starting to wonder if Hinata's evil exes had forgotten about him or something. Just as he was thinking this, he heard a voice yell out, "It is time I take you out, Naruto!" He didn't even flinch. He simply formed a low-powered Rasengan and turned around as the person who had yelled approached.

"I warned you, Pervy Sage, knock it off!" he yelled as he plowed the jutsu into the old man's stomach.

Jiraiya went flying, spinning like a pinwheel. As he flew, he went over the top of a boy's head. Naruto watched in fascination as the boy got an enraged look on his face and turned around, yelling, "AM I TOO SHORT TO EVEN HIT?!" and went running after the still-spinning Jiraiya. The boy's long blond braid and red coat flapped in the wind as he ran.

As he contemplated what he had just seen, a thought occurred to Naruto. _"Does standing out of range of an attack count as dodging it?"_ he pondered. Shrugging, he continued on his way down the street, whistling to himself. As he was walking, he suddenly felt something go flying over top of his head. Realizing that he had just done the very thing he had been thinking about, he wondered to himself, _"Did I just dodge that?"_

As he was pondering this, a cloaked figure came running at him, obviously intent on attacking him; the only thing visible about the figure was his hand, which had an explosive tag stuck to it. Naruto dodged the slap and punched at the attacker's chest. Flying backward a short distance, the figure let out an undeniably feminine "eep". Naruto froze. _"Why would a _girl_ be attacking me?"_ he wondered. Then he realized there _was_ one girl who might have a bone to pick with him. _"Oh, no...not Sakura...not now."_

As the figure stood up, however, he saw that the very red hair spilling from the cloak's hood was in no way Sakura's distinctive pink, so he sighed in relief; at least this wasn't about _that._ The figure threw back her hood, revealing that it was in fact a girl and not Sakura. "You punched me in the boob!" she said, clearly annoyed. What Naruto didn't know was that she wasn't really annoyed at where she'd been hit – she'd actually kinda enjoyed _that_ – she was actually annoyed that she hadn't been able to predict what he was going to do at all!

Naruto sighed. "Yeah, I realize that now. If I'd known you were a girl, I wouldn't have done that," he said. "I may not be the most chivalrous person around, but I'm not that much of a clod."

"Yeah, well, be that as it may," Karin said, for that is who this was, "I'm afraid you have to die."

"Um...I think you have me confused with someone else," Naruto said.

Karin paused. "You're not Naruto Uzumaki, jinchuriki of the Nine-Tailed Fox and recent boyfriend of Hinata Hyuga?" she asked, trying to read his mind. Somehow, all she got was some weird question about dodging.

Naruto grinned mentally; nothing like a perfect pranking opportunity to brighten his day. He activated a Transformation Jutsu, making himself look just like Kakashi. "No, I'm Kakashi Hatake," he said, opening the book that had appeared from nowhere in his hand. "If you're looking for Naruto, he went that-a-way." He pointed off behind him.

Before Karin could respond, everyone on the street stopped and waved as one. "Hey Kakashi!"

Karin tried to detect any lie in his mind, but again, she just got that weird question about dodging, along with an image of some white-haired old man flying away this time. Shrugging, she ran off in the direction Naruto had pointed. Alone, Naruto dispelled the jutsu and chuckled. "That was too easy," he said to himself before continuing on his way down the street.

After taking care of a few things in the village, Naruto headed back to his apartment, where he found something truly disturbing. Kankuro was laying on his bed, hog-tied in his own chakra strings, with Crow behind him, arms wrapped around him. "Ugh, Kankuro, if you're really that desperate, I'd really appreciate it if you did it somewhere where I didn't have to see it!" he said. Then he realized something wasn't quite right. Kankuro's face showed abject fear. "Wait...what happened here?"

Kankuro shrugged as best he could and managed to work his mouth free from the puppet. "Wish I could tell you, man," he said. "I remember I went out to stalk someone, then the next thing I can remember, I was like this."

Naruto rolled his eyes at Kankuro's "stalking". "Who were you going to stalk this time?" he asked.

Kankuro thought about that a minute, then shrugged again. "I really have no idea."

Naruto thought about that a minute, then noticed that the Bingo Book Hinata gave him wasn't _quite_ where he'd left it. It was about a foot to the left from where it had been and looked like someone had been looking at it.

Picking it up, Naruto realized he had never really finished going through it. He had just seen Kiba's page and never bothered to go beyond that. Opening it, he rifled through the pages and found Neji's page. Marking it off, he flipped back to the start of it. Ignoring Kiba's page, he found that the next page was weird, considering what it was. It showed a picture of a guy in a hooded coat with a high collar and dark glasses; his face was almost entirely hidden, and he wasn't even wearing a mask! Below it was the name "Shino Aburame"...and _nothing_ else!

Turning to Kankuro, he asked, "Does the name Shino Aburame mean anything to you?" It sounded vaguely familiar to Naruto for some reason, but he couldn't place it.

Kankuro thought about it a minute, then answered, "It sounds vaguely familiar, but I have no idea why...is he one of Hinata's exes?"

"Yeah...he's the second one," Naruto answered.

"Oh! Maybe that's why we both know the name. You already beat him," Kankuro said.

Naruto shook his head. "No, it's not that. I beat Kiba Inuzuka and Neji Hyuga. That idiot Uchiha totally ruined a perfectly good plot point by sending the _fourth_ ex after me second. Regardless, I haven't beat this Shino guy...not yet anyway," he said.

Kankuro pondered this. "Then...why the hell do we know that name?" Conveniently, neither Naruto nor Kankuro noticed the magazine laying on the floor displaying the guy Kankuro had gone to stalk. "Regardless, could you help me get out of this?" Kankuro asked.

Naruto smacked himself in the forehead for forgetting. "Yeah, of course," he said, making his way over and helping Kankuro out of his chakra strings. Then he had a thought. "Um, Kankuro...why didn't you just stop streaming your chakra into the strings?" Kankuro opened his mouth to answer, then realized Naruto was right and promptly face-faulted. Naruto chuckled. "That's what you get for messing with my sister's guy."

Kankuro rolled his eyes. "She deserved better than him anyway," he said.

"Got that right," Naruto said. "Still, he was hers, and you stole him, so I say you got yours here, my friend."

Kankuro shook his head at his friend's antics and asked, "What about you and Hinata? How's that going?"

"It's going great!" Naruto said. "Well, aside from this whole evil exes thing, that is. Speaking of which..." he trailed off as he turned his attention back to the Bingo Book. Turning to the third page, he got a shock. "Hinata's third evil ex..." he muttered. The picture on the third page was of the girl he had encountered on the street just a few minutes earlier! According to the book, her name was Karin, and she had the ability to read minds, making her extremely worrisome. She hadn't seemed to be able to read his mind, though, so he shrugged that off.

Turning the page twice more to get past Neji's, he found himself looking at a boy with his black hair in a bowl cut, the thickest eyebrows he'd ever seen, and a huge grin. Something about this guy was oddly disturbing, though he really only looked like he was extremely exuberant and excitable. The boy's name, according to the page, was Rock Lee, and, if the book was to be trusted, his only skill was his taijutsu, though, from the looks of it, he was _very _good with that.

Turning to page six, he found himself looking at a guy with red spiky hair, light greenish eyes, and the kanji for "love" tattooed on his forehead. Under his picture was the name Gaara, and a brief description of his abilities, all of which seemed to be based on the use of sand in one way or another. Thinking a moment, he turned to Kankuro and asked, "What was your brother's name again?"

"Gaara, why?" Kankuro responded.

Naruto turned the book around and showed him the page he had just seen. "This is why," he said. "Apparently he's Hinata's sixth evil ex."

"Yeah, I know," Kankuro replied. "She came to the Sand Village about a year before you and I met, and they dated briefly...why do you think I said before that if you ever met Gaara it'd end in violence?"

Naruto nodded. "Good point, but don't you think you should have mentioned that?"

"Nope, more fun this way," Kankuro flippantly replied.

"Some help you are," Naruto grumbled before turning to the last page where he found, as he knew he would, a picture of Sasuke Uchiha. Under his picture and name were brief descriptions of his skills with taijutsu, ninjutsu, and genjutsu, all of which were well above average. Naruto looked at the picture again and chuckled. "I see Sasuke still has his hair cut in the shape of a duck's ass," he said to himself. "I'm surprised he hasn't had any birds trying to mate with that thing yet."

"Wait, you know the leader of the exes?" Kankuro asked, hearing Naruto's mumbling.

"Yeah, of course. We've been rivals ever since we were little. He _is_ from here, after all," Naruto said, looking at Kankuro with a look that plainly said he should have known that.

Kankuro chuckled. "Well, I guess you'll finally put the rivalry to rest, huh?"

"We did that years ago," Naruto commented, then walked over to Kankuro and smacked him on the back of the head. Suddenly, a strangely-shaped green mushroom fell out of Kankuro's nose. Naruto looked at it a moment, then asked the obvious question: "What the hell is that, and what was it doing in your nose?"

Kankuro looked back at Naruto and shrugged. "I haven't a clue. I've never seen it before. And what the hell did you hit me for anyway?"

Naruto simply raised an eyebrow and answered, "For not telling me about Gaara." Naruto reached down and picked up the thing, thinking someone would have to to get rid of it if nothing else. To his shock, when he held it in his palm, it simply vanished into his body, leaving the letters 1-UP in its place. Naruto tried to wipe the letters off, but they refused to go away. Naruto showed it to Kankuro. "What do you make of that?"

Kankuro examined it a minute, then shrugged. "No idea...it doesn't seem to have hurt you, though, so I wouldn't worry too much about it." Naruto nodded, realizing that Kankuro was probably right.

"Well, whatever...I'm off to see Hinata and probably deal with another of her exes, so I'll see ya around, Kankuro," Naruto said as he grabbed his coat and headed out the door.

"Good luck," Kankuro said back.

Naruto sighed; for once, he _wasn't_ looking forward to seeing Hinata. After he had told her about his father's jutsu, she had insisted they go see Tsunade; she said she'd explain everything when they got there. They had made an appointment for today, and Naruto was more than a little worried about it.

All too soon for his taste, he had arrived at Tsunade's office, where he found Hinata waiting for him. They knocked on the door and got permission to enter. Tsunade smiled when she saw the two enter. "Oh, here you are," she said. "What can I do for you?" Hinata and Naruto sat down, and Hinata explained how Naruto's band had gotten its name. "Yeah, I know all about that," Tsunade said, "but what does it have to do with you, Hinata?"

Hinata looked around for a minute, reached out as if opening a door, then, suddenly, there was a yellow flash, and she vanished and reappeared behind Tsunade in an instant. "That's what it has to do with me," Hinata said. "I was told when I first did that that it was some kind of bloodline thing, so when I heard that Naruto's father could do it..." she trailed off, her worry obvious.

Naruto was torn. On the one hand, his girlfriend just became even more amazing; she could even do the signature jutsu of the Fourth Hokage! On the other hand, if it was a bloodline thing, that would mean they were...related! That would make Naruto as big of a freak as Neji!

Tsunade thought about this a while. "I'll need to take blood samples from both of you," she said. Hinata and Naruto nodded. "But I can tell you this, Hinata: the Fourth Hokage developed that jutsu himself, and he didn't have a bloodline. I doubt that this means anything, so don't worry too much. All the same, it's probably for the best that we check on this."

The two gave blood samples and left. Tsunade sighed. "I really hope this comes back negative," she said. "That boy doesn't need a problem like that to come up now." She then got down to the business of getting the samples tested as quickly as possible.

Naruto and Hinata were walking around the village. "I can see why you were so worried," Naruto commented. Hinata nodded, looking around her like she was worried. "What's wrong?"

"Well, we haven't heard from the league in a while...I'm starting to wonder when the next ex will attack us," Hinata said, still watching everything carefully.

Naruto chuckled. "Well, one of them sort of did," he said. Hinata looked at him in surprise, and Naruto told her about his encounter with Karin and his discovery of her in the Bingo Book she had given him.

Hinata sighed. "I was afraid of that," she said. "It was really just a phase I went through for a while...I didn't think it would count really...I was just a little bi-curious."

"Well, if you're still into that, there's always the Sexy Jutsu," he said seriously.

Hinata looked at him in surprise. "What's that?" she asked, worried and curious at the same time.

Naruto responded by forming a hand-sign and vanishing in a puff of smoke. When it cleared, Hinata saw that he had taken on a female appearance; thankfully, he was fully clothed. "Normally, I use this to distract perverts and stuff, but if you're into that kind of thing, we can use it," he said, winking at the end. Hinata blushed deeply, trying in vain not to picture that.

As the two continued down the road a bit, Naruto noticed a new store he'd never seen before. Upon closer inspection, the couple discovered that it was a music store. Naruto grinned. "Hey, you mind if we take a look in here?" he asked Hinata. Hinata looked at him curiously. "I need to look for a new bass."

Hinata agreed, and the two entered the store. To their surprise, Ino was there, apparently keeping watch over the place. "Is there anyplace you _don't_ work, Ino?" Naruto asked. Ino just glared at him. "And so help me, if you use your gossip jutsu on us, I'll hunt you down." Ino mimed being afraid briefly, then she and Naruto laughed. Then, Naruto and Hinata began looking around, Hinata mostly looking at discs and cassettes and such, while Naruto was looking at instruments.

Naruto was about to ask Ino about an instrument he had found when a red blur flew past him and slammed into the counter, shattering it. When he looked at the thing that had flown past him, he found that it was Karin. She looked annoyed. For the third time that day, she had tried to anticipate her quarry's move and been thwarted by that stupid question that was keeping his entire mind distracted! Naruto grinned. "Oh, hello, Karin," he said simply.

Hinata moved up beside Naruto, and the two took up side-by-side battle stances, clearly ready to take Karin down.

Karin gave Hinata a smirk. "I'm here to take you back, Hinata. If Sasuke can't have you, no one can."

Hinata glared in response. "I'd rather be dead than go back. He's an ass, you're a bitch, and you two deserve one another."

Karin smiled dreamily and gushed, "That's what I keep telling him!" Hinata and Naruto gave one another dumbfounded looks, at which Karin turned back to them and said, seemingly more annoyed now, "All the same, I will see him happy, and it's you he wants, so I'm taking you back!"

Hinata rolled her eyes. "I told you, Karin, I'd rather be dead than go back."

Karin gave a sadistic grin as she pulled out an explosive tag. "Those terms are acceptable."

Hinata rolled her eyes and reached into her kunai pouch. Somehow, she pulled out a _bow_ from the pouch. Naruto made a mental note to ask her how in the world she got _that_ in there later, then the young couple turned their attention back to Karin. "Bring it," they said together.

**Hinatasgreatestfan:** Well, there you have it. There's the new chapter.

**Shino:** Damn it, when will I have a turn?!

**HGF: **Who are you again?

**Shino: **Gah! (leaves)

**HGF (shaking head):** That was weird. Anyway, hope you all are looking forward to the Karin fight. And yes, the other exes ARE who you think they are.

**Ed: **DID YOU REALLY HAVE TO HAVE HIM FLY OVER MY HEAD?!

**HGF:** Damn it, Ed, you're not that short! Give it a rest, would ya?!

**Ed:** Wait...what? (leaves, muttering about false compliments)

**Jiraiya:** Aw, come on, are you ever going to stop sending me flying like that?!

**HGF: **No.

**Jiraiya:** Okay, fine, just don't have Tsunade do it!

**HGF (slaps him with a Tsunade-strength punch, speaks like Sylvester):** Aw, shut up!

**Jiraiya (sounding far too much like Daffy Duck):** But Mommy, I don't want to go to school today! (falls to the ground, unconscious)

**HGF:** Oooookaaaaaay, that was bizarre. Moving on! Hope you all enjoyed, and we'll do our best to get chapter 7 out to you soon!

**Solvdrage (Peeks out from behind pile of work): ** Did I miss something? (pile of ungraded Renaissance unit tests falls on Solvdrage and he is teh dead)

**HGF (face-palms):** Now what am I going to do? I can't keep up this insanity without him! Well, hopefully there will be a chapter 7...if so, see you all then!


End file.
